It appears, (again, from my feelings, and the information I have available), that someone else is making bad judgement calls.  I feel very bad about it, as yes, originally I wondered if my boyfriend's ex wife posted a response to my feelings of sincere hurt about things said about me.  I feel so horrible that possibly a friend of hers would do something terrible, and attack someone they do not know at all their core vulnerable points.

I should apologize for expressing my hurt on my website because I have had a hard time dealing with what has been said about me, and said for a while now.  Every word is always up to another person's interpretation, and that is where there is a misunderstanding on both parties. 

I apologize for providing the first name of one of my boyfriend's children, I totally feel very bad about that issue, and that has been corrected. 

I did managed to download some comedy a week ago to kinda lighten the crummy moods I have been in.  It is so frustrating, and it's like only two things seem to get me out of a crummy mood.  Affection, ridiculous positive affirmation, or really retarded comedy (like cartoons, or comedy albums).

I tried to have a relaxing sunday, and for the most part, it was okay.  I started to get a headache later on in the evening, one of those headaches where I can't really think straight and it is probably a great idea I am not running Heavy Machinery or performing open heart surgery.  Only problem is,  I needed to talk about some things last night, but it all just came out wrong, or didn't come out at all.

......

I am trying to unload my massive amounts of un-necessary stuff on both ebay and etsy.  I have anything from Designer Yarn, Needle Felted Bears, Thread Bears, and a rare Hardcore shirt from the band Bane up for auction.  There are two reasons I have to get rid of some of this stuff:

a.  I could use all the money I can get for June.  I want the transition to go as smoothly as possible.

b.  I physically cannot take all of my stuff to my new place.  There is too much stuff, I am too weak to take all of it on my own, and this is stuff that needs to be cleared out and has needed to be cleared out for a very long time now.  If I move out, I need to actually move out, appease "the god"s on both aspects of me moving out ("Well, this time 80% of her stuff is gone, I guess she's serious this time).

Anyways, here are basic links to everything currently up for auction.

Ebay:

http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZskin_deep_pinup_girl

The Bane T Shirt, since I know all of you want to see it: 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=150243308457&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=005

And my Etsy Page:

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=4161
 

Okay, back to being sick as hell and constantly confused.  I think my boyfriend is either grumpy, or mad.  Maybe at me.  I can't ever tell with these things.    

I don't feel like talking to anyone at work today.  I really,  really don not want to talk to anyone.  I feel like crap, and I also feel like letting people continue to talk to me is going to help push me out the door.  I'm already fully capable of doing that on my own, so why let anyone try to help? 

I can only take so much weight on my shoulders.  And it seems like everytime one straw has been taken off the camels back, another bale of hay falls onto it.

And now, some of this stress has started to slip/seep into the one area of my life I do not want it to be.  The one safe haven I have from the things that turn my stomach and keep me from sleeping. 

I need to put blinders on, like those ones they put on carriage horses.  Focus on very little, ignore and be blind to all this clutter that is starting to affect my health, and say "F You" and stampede/trample over anything that gets in my way. 

I have so much on my plate, and there is no reason for me to take on all of other peoples drama or let them drag me down.  But now, for a while, I have to feel as though my security is constantly in jeopardy, and that it adds drama to my relationship.  I don't want that, and it makes me sad and it makes me stay up at night.  

(The below statement was written about an associate of a friend, however, it appears I am being personally attacked for taking Ambien.) 

Someone tried to whine at me that they were so upset and didn't sleep all night last night.  Try not sleeping for the past 5 years, thousands of dollars in prescriptions, thousands more in sleep studies and medical.....And then suddenly one day, waking up one day feeling so warm, so at home, so content, only to wake up feeling a little ill one morning and finding out all that can be taken away.  It isn't till that point, that moment when you realize your happiness is in jeopardy, that you truly learn what it means to not sleep all night. 

This was written in frustration to the cyclical events of my close female friend, and was not written about anyone else.  Any human would be worn down a little from this situation. 

"You are using too many words, and no one is listening to you."

"If you don't say 'Beat it', and GTFO because this is interfering with your job, things will only get worse."

"Of course she doesn't sincerely care about you or what you say.   Otherwise, we wouldn't constantly be having this same damn conversation over and over again."

"Stop caring.  Stop feeding people's need for someone to listen to the same problems over and over again and then putting up with them when they don't 'Man up'." 

When a person gives advice, I have learned that several things can happen:

 1.  Someone can absorb it, utilize it to try and help mold the rest of their life and current situation, and either drastically improve or decrease the quality of their life.

2.  Someone can hear it, not utilize it, and then either gain from the benefits/detriments of not following advice.

3.  Someone can say they listen to your advice, and interpret the useful parts of it into their situation, and make the best of what can come (this is the one that happens most often in life).

4.  Someone can continue to self-perpetuate their current situation, spin their wheels, blow dust in your face, and continuously ask for your advice as a source of attention, concern, care, or "ego-feed".   The manipulation of this guidance is actually a form of attention-seeking, pity, munchausen syndrome, insecurity, desperation, or complete ignorance.

I can only be supportive so far.  Since it is very clear that I am being played a fool and nobody cares that:

a.  There are stressors in my family that I do not fully understand.

b.  I have been seriously ill for the past week.

c.  I am wrapped up in a serious relationship.  And though I don't need to be stressed by it, I still need to give my relationship the attention and healthy growth it deserves. 

d.  I have to determine how to proceed with my education soon.  Soon.

e. I am slightly stressed managing and meeting my financial goals.

f.  I am on hormonal therapy, and it is seriously affecting me.

g.  Work is stressful and very tense with a new supervisor, who needs to make an important impression on the rest of the workplace, so he needs to do his job.
 

I don't understand why people in my workplace get to know my business when I am not flirting all over the place, I don't lavish my significant other with attention while I am supposed to be working, I don't say I am doing an hour of overtime but actually sit at my desk chatting with people or in Idle, I don't have visible hickies, and supervisors haven't moved my desk away from people, and I am wearing supportive granny bras instead of push up bras and purposely not being a distraction.  If I put in all that freaking effort, why the hell does everyone get to know my business? I don't think it is cool when supervisors have been hypothesizing about what people have been doing since October, and OF COURSE THEY ARE NOT GOING TO TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE UNTIL YOU ARE EITHER IN YOUR MANAGERS OFFICE EXPLAINING YOURSELF AS YOU AND TWO OTHER PEOPLE ARE GETTING FIRED OR YOU ARE WRITTEN UP FOR IT.

This is not fair to me.  It is also not fair that my job is in jeopardy and if the issue persists, I may be put on a Performance Improvement Plan.

I need to focus on work.  I need to just start sending everyone a Copy&Paste message: "If you talk to me anymore about this while I am at work, I will LOSE my JOB." 

I need to "Man up".  i had to vent this, but in all honesty, this is a pretty cowardly way to vent.  At least writing it all down on the intarwebs gives me the ability to practice speaking it.  Not that anyone will listen.

Sometimes your friends stab you in the heart to show you that you are capable of bleeding.  And even when they do it, they are still, and will be, your friends.
 

Would you like to see something interesting?

The picture above is two different pills, and a dime for size comparison (Unfortunately, I forgot to get a hold of a better camera this morning, so this was taken with my phone).

The pill on the far right is a birth control pill.  It's tiny, barely 3mg, and you take one everyday for 28 days (84mg in a month).  Birth Control is usually used as a contraceptive, to regulate cycles, or supress hormonal changes (like hair growth/loss, bad skin). 

The pill on the left is Progesterone, used for HRT in menopausal women, or women that can't seem to have a regular period due to health issues.  Its huge, I wish I had a better picture of it, because its actually "fat".  This pill is 200mg, and you take one for ten days when you are unable to get your cycle to happen correctly (and there are no other underlying reasons) (2000mg in 10 days).

 What is the point to all this?  Well, it seems to me, that it doesn't take very much at all to break the human spirit, to deny human nature, the natural process of things (example being birth control).  But it takes a WHOLE lot to help try and heal it (Progesterone) or get things back in order.   It doesn't take much to deviate what should make you a woman (the fact you can procreate, release fertile eggs, etc...) but I have to take a big-ass pill that is already messing with me after 20 hours to help me do what every normal human should be able to do.

I haven't had a regular flow of hormones or emotions my entire life.  It's either been suppressed via diet or medication.  And now I am suffering through all the nonsense other women have had at least 12-15 years to deal with and adjust.  Me?  I feel like I am twelve all over again, locked in the bathroom, trying not to cry and wishing I understood why I was sad, and feeling like my head and my hips were on fire. 

But real life gets in the way, and the rest of the world doesn't wait for you.